The Many Thoughts of Sam Puckett
by KhCcGlee
Summary: Sam's journal. An entry to go along with every episode. :
1. Sam the Comedian

**Hey people! Okay so I was really bored one night and randomly got an idea. So for every iCarly episode ever, I will write a journal entry from Sam's point of view. I don't know if that's stupid or not, tell me if it is, but I want to try it. I don't think I'm stealing anybodies idea, but if I am… PLEASE TELL ME. I don't mean to, I promise. Oh and I don't really know the exact dates the episodes are supposed to take place on, so I'm just going to date the journals with the month and year the episode cam out, kay? Okay well… on to the story.**

**(iPilot)**

September, 2007

Mrs. Briggs has been all over my chizz lately. Like the other day I was stealing some nubs lunch money and she burst out of nowhere with her bull horn and was like "SAMANTHA PUCKETT! DETENTION! ROAR." Don't worry, I got her back. Get this, I put her head on a rhino and put the picture all over school! That was pretty funny… until Carly reminded me that I would get expelled if I got suspended again. But that problem, my friend, is all behind me now, because good ol'Carls is a good friend and is taking the blame for me. Life is sweet.

….

Man, I just looked at my old entry and laughed. I thought life was sweet! How could I be so stupid? Mrs. Briggs is making Carly and I film the talent show auditions for her on Saturday, so my plans are ruined. I was planning on spending the day on the Shay's couch watching the Shay's television and eating the Shay's food, which sadly isn't going to happen.

….

So I show up to auditions thinking '_maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe Carly brought ham.' _ Let me just tell you, I was wrong. There was no ham, but there was this nubby doof kid that is in love with Carly or something. I need to chillax; just thinking of his stupid face makes me angry. He's so annoying! He almost left, but Carly was all like "Please for me?" and he was all like "Okay." Poor nerd, she totally manipulated his feelings and used him… I'm so proud of her. Momma taught her well.

Anyway, most kids at Ridgeway have no talent. There was this one chick that played the trumpet while on a pogo stick, and it totally impressed momma. Then there was this other dude that looks like Mrs. Briggs… no joke. So me being me, I can't resist and I make a joke. Next thing you know, me and Carly are going on about her pointy boobs while that dork films us. Then that nub puts the footage on Splashface! Seriously dude, how stupid can you be? Momma got him to take it down, but it won't be off until the morning. It would be seriously bad if Mrs. Briggs watches the video, but I think putting it up was for the best. Now the world is informed of the safety hazards that are Mrs. Briggs' boobs.

…

"I'll try not to poke a hole in this with my pointy bosoms." Gosh, that line cracks me up every time! Oh, if you hadn't already guessed, Mrs. Briggs saw the video. We didn't get in trouble, but none of the cool kids we liked are going to get picked. So after school I went to Carlotta's place and had me some ham to calm my nerves. That nerd came over and ended up harshing my mellow. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we came up with an idea to have a web show and blah blah blah… I don't feel like finishing this sentence. Its named iCarly, which is cool I guess. I mean I guess she deserves to have it named after her because it's going to be filmed at her apartment, and she came up with the name, but still…

….

iCarly is a success! Whoop whoop! There was like thirty seven thousand viewers or something. I may not be smart, but I do know that is a lot of dudes and chicks watching Carly, me, and Fredward. So this calls for a crazy hat party! Yay!

-Sam the Comedian.

**So… how was it? I hope it was good. Writing Sam's POV is a challenge. You have to be all tough and careless, but at the same time show some weakness and niceness. :D**


	2. Sam the Famous

**It's like 5:30 a.m. I am so tired **** Anyway… I forgot to put a disclaimer in the first chapter so here's one now- I don't own anything, that relates to the TV show iCarly.**

**(iWant More Viewers)**

September, 2007

Whaddup people? Tonight's iCarly went awesome! We introduced a new segment called 'Messin' with Lewbert' and showed how he deals with his miserable life due to his large wart. Viewers totally loved it; Momma sure does know how to impress.

So I'm standing with Carly, getting ready to eat her food, when dork boy hops in and starts with me. I seriously think I hate him! So, we're fighting and I'm seriously considering going over there and punching him out, but out of nowhere I get sprayed with water. Carly has decided to play peacemaker and spray us with one of those cat bottles whenever we fight. I used to have one of those for Frothy. Heh heh… I used to spray him whenever he went to use the liter box. Poor cat was afraid to pee.

Anyway, there's only been like the same amount of viewers for the show (which sucks if you didn't know). So at dinner we decided to have ourselves a little contest to get more viewers. It's boys against girls and the loser has to touch Lewbert's wart.

….

Momma is a genius! I was planning on just watching TV all day on the Shay's couch, but Carly was all like "Work! Contest!" But that's not why I'm a genius… it's because me being all lazy and chizz got us an idea for our contest. I should try being lazy more often! Our plan is to make a giant sign andstand outside of the Seattle Beat window because I guess a lot of people would see it or something. Thinking up that amazing idea was tiring and all I want is to sleep, but nope! Carly makes me work on our banner. If she wasn't my best friend… I'm not going to finish this sentence.

….

The banner came out beautiful, but you already knew that because everything I do is perfect! That was sarcastic by the way. I'm in a bad mood if you didn't already guess. Our plan was ruined because of the stupid rain. Of all the hard work and planning, you'd think someone (Carly) would have thought to check the weather, but nope. We stood there waving a messed up banner in the air on TV. Don't worry though! All that paper we used won't go to waste because I gave it to my mom to use as a dress. I don't even want to know what goes on inside that woman's head.

As if my mood wasn't bad enough, I come home (to Carly's) and that nubby wonder starts with me about how he's going to win and we're going to lose. If Frednub thinks I'm really going to end up touching Lewbert's wart, he has another thing coming. I'd cut him up to little pieces and feed him to that wart before I touched it! Man, it is a good thing Carly doesn't read my journal… she would be going crazy with that torture toy she sprays us with.

…

Has my mood improved or what! (The answer is yes.) First of all, we didn't lose, but Spencer and Freddork didn't either. How is that possible you ask? Well turns out their plan sucked too. They put a sign on the free way that caused a major pile up and told people to "Pee on Carl." No joke. Spencer got arrested and people might have been seriously injured, but it turns out our failed attempts attracted lots more kids to Momma and friends.

"We all failed miserably trying to get you guys more viewers for iCarly, but it is precisely those failures that are getting you more viewers for iCarly."

-A very wise man. (Spencer)

-Sam the Famous

**Yay! Second chapter is done! **


	3. Sam the Dancer

**Guess what! I totally suck as a writer. :[ Not one review has been received and I'm on chapter three. **

**I don't own iCarly, but you already knew that.**

**(iDream of Dance)**

September, 2007

Ugh! So my mom is dating some creepy dude and I can't stand to be home anymore. I didn't have time to eat breakfast this morning as I tried to escape my house, so I decided to pack some food. Sadly, momma didn't get to finish because I had Mrs. Briggs first period. Sucks right? Wrong! I dumped my breakfast in the dorks back pack. Ha! You should have seen his face. This is like the one time I'm glad he sits in front of me.

Then, this dude in a skirt comes to class and dances like a fool. You know me, I can't resist to start a round of boo's, so now I got myself detention. Note to self: give the Gibster a wedgie for not taking the blame. Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is this: Never judge creepy dudes trying to mack on your mom. They can lead to a usually boring class being filled with dancing and bacon.

…

Remember how I told you Frothy is afraid to use the litter box? Well I always wondered where he… you know… relieved himself, and today I found out! In my mom's car! I love that cat so much. Wanna know something else momma loves? Messing with Frednub. I cleaned my ear out with his cell phone antenna and his straw. Maybe I was a little to mean…. Ha! That was a good one! Man, I crack myself up.

We decided that we are going to have kids send videos of themselves dancing to us and we will show them on iCarly.

…..

Looks like I don't have to give Gibby that payback wedgie after all! I thought his locker was my locker (Don't judge, they all look the same and I'm to lazy to remember my locker number) and I beat it with a hammer because it wasn't opening. Good ol'Gibby came up behind me and helped me to understand that my locker was the next one over.

Guess how many dance clips we got? If you guessed over three thousand, then you're a creepy stalker kid that needs to stop following us around before I feed you to my cat. So anyway, we have to watch like five hundred dance clips every night! I have to tell Jack I won't be able to go to our weekly card game.

By the way, Jack is the homeless man that lives on my street. We usually lay games of poker. Now I know you must be thinking: What could a homeless man bet that could be so valuable? Well, if I win, he usually gives me information on stuff llike the best stores to steal from. You would be surprised how much you learn sitting on the sidewalk all day. If he wins, I let him sleep in the bathtub at my house.

…..

Reasons why I think I might be going insane.

I put my head on Frddorks shoulder and almost fell asleep. Then, he shrugged me off like I was no big deal. He shrugged me, Sam Puckett, off his shoulder. His life is going to be miserable.

I had this dream that we went to school and everyone started breaking out in a dance. So I wake up from the horrible night mare and fall back asleep in a matter of seconds. This time I'm in detention with Mrs. Briggs and I'm dancing around in Scottish clothes to Scottish music. Then Gibby has the nerve to interrupt my nightmare by running in in his boxers. Remind me to put some worms in his locker or something. Maybe I can get Jack to go sleep in Gibby's bathtub one night. Imagine his face all sleepy, needing to pee, and then realizing theres a dirty homeless man in your tub. Ha!

-Sam the Dancer

**Sigh. I'm already done with chapter three. My baby is growing up. :'(**


	4. Sam the Wingman

**So. This is the second day that my story has been out and I'm already on chapter four. It was a good decision to stay home from school today. :]**

**I do not own iCarly and I never will.**

**(iLike Jake)**

September, 2007

I missed the bus today, which really wasn't my fault. I woke up to find Frothy eating the wire to my alarm clock, which is confusing because he should be all electrified up, but he wasn't. I seriously need to remember to feed that cat. So I get to school and remember that I should be happy. My locker is now next to Carly's because I made Frednub trade with me. The best part is, my old locker was in between two spazzy giant wrestlers who fight all the time. Momma could always handle them, but I'm afraid that scrawny nub boy won't be able to.

I'm at my locker when I hear some screaming so I turn around to find Fredweiner on the ground under the sweaty wrestlers. My plan was to just stand back and let nature take it's course, but nope. Carly just had to bribe them with protein and get them off of the geek. Then, out of nowhere, all the girls in the school go crazy screaming about Jake and Stephanie breaking up. They all seriously need to get some lives. I mean, Jake is a hot dude, but I'm not going to go insane over it. I wouldn't be surprised if they had shrines of him in their rooms complete with voodoo dolls and used tissues.

You know what would be bad? If Carly read this journal. Here I am, trash talking all the creepy obsessive girls, when Carly is one of them. I'll find a way to make it up to her, I promise, but right now I want some meat.

…

I totally just helped Carly get Jake, which is something every single other girl at Ridgeway is trying to do. Except, the difference is actually know how to get a man.

Sam Puckett's Plan For Getting Carly and Jake Together.

**Number one-** Throw an apple at his head.

**Number two- **Blame Carly.

Needless to say, my plan worked and Jake will be going to Carly's apartment sometime this weekend. I feel like cupid minus the diaper and the whole baby angel thing.

…..

Okay so I had quite an eventful evening. First, I poured hot coffee all over Spencer's face (Not my fault. I may be violent, but I'm not going to risk being allowed to go over Carly's and eat ham.) Then, I found out that Jake is an absolutely horrible singer. He sounds like my mom when she's impersonating a whale… don't ask. Next, me and Carly purposely trapped the hottest guy in school in her elevator so he wouldn't sing on iCarly. That failed though because Jake decided to go macho man on us and push open the elevator door. No worries though, Freddie went all dorky on us and fixed his voice to make it sound all nice and smooth.

If I was in charge of deciding how the show went, I would have let Jake sing with his real voice. His grandma was watching and it would have been so funny to think that she spent her money she was saving for a new foot, to watch her grandson make a fool of himself on the internet.

…..

I'm going to make a petition for school to start at two o'clock and end at two o'four. All I have to do is write up the petition, bring it around school and get people to sign it, bring it to the principal, and… you know what? I changed my mind. It sounds like to much work for me to handle. Maybe I can get Gibby or Frednub to do it.

I spent the rest if the day after school comforting Carlotta Shay and her broken heart. I know I shouldn't think it's funny, but I find it hilarious. When we were filming Jake singing, Carly gave Freddie a thank you kiss on the nose and Jake saw it. Jake got back with Stephanie because he thought Carly and Freddie were going out. C'mon, Carly and Freddie? Not in a million years!

-Sam the Wingman

**Okay so how did I do? Review?**

**Ha ha… it rhymed.**


	5. Sam the Mastermind

**Chapter five! Whoop whoop. This is like the fourth chapter I have written in one day! Aren't you glad I don't have a life?**

**I think you should know by now that I don't own iCarly.**

**(iWanna Stay With Spencer)**

September, 2007

Oh my god! Okay, so as you already know, iCarly was tonight. We had lots of great stuff like that singing girl and fake punches, but nothing can top Spencer's fan of hammers! So he turns it on to demonstrate how it works and it starts to spaz out. Next thing you know, a hammer is flying through the air. It almost hit Carly! It would have been so funny if it had… you know… minus the blood and possible dying. Like I have said many times before, thank god Carly will never read this.

…

Carly's granddad is in town. He lives in Yakima which kind of sounds like someone throwing up. Ha! That reminds me… Frothy threw up in my mom's shoes last night. My god I love that cat. Anyway, he gave Carly a gift card to Groovy Smoothies, so naturally we went to go spend that bad boy. I ended up dumping a smoothie on Freddie's head for being such a nub. The best part is that the smoothie I dumped on him was his so he had to go buy another one! I am just too mean.

…

Turns out that granddad saw the fan of hammers and thinks Spencer's not a responsible adult (Thank you captain obvious). Obviously he isn't, but we need a plan to make it look like he is because granddad Shay wants Carly to go live with him in Yakima. Sounds easy, right? Wrong! It's kind of hard to make Spencer look good when he's wearing a suit that would be too small for even Fredward, and that's saying something.

….

Carly comes into school all depressed saying that she's really moving and she has to clean out her locker. It's not fair at all. She's my best friend and she is not moving if I have anything to do with it. I don't care if I have to kidnap her! I mean without her, there's no iCarly, or free food, and I would have absolutely no one. Sure there's Freddork, but he's not someone I want to talk about hot boys with and spill all of my secrets to. I don't trust a lot of people, because they all end up leaving me, and Carly is about to do the same thing. Carly is the one person I know I can trust with my life, and if she moves, I think I would go crazy.

That whole last paragraph was just depressing. See, that's what life would be like if I wasn't smart enough to think of awesome plans like dressing Carly up all gothic and making Spencer yell at her. I bet you thought those were my real thoughts… ha ha sucker.

….

Okay so gothic Carly really made her granddad and Spencer 'heated'. So 'heated' that they're apartment caught on fire! Get it? Yeah, I agree, that was a lame joke.

Anyway, Spencer decided to be all caring and let Carly express herself which was the exact opposite of Momma's plan. So while Spencer and her grandpa fought, the chicken caught on fire, so now she's going to move to Yakima, right? Nope! How is that possible you ask? Well, if you would shut up, I could actually tell you!

Right as Carly is about to leave, after I said goodbye and pulled Freddie off Carly (that kid is really annoying) Spencer decided he was finally going to show his responsible side. He ran down the stairs just to give Carly an old inhaler. All of a sudden granddad is like "Wow! Inhaler! You're so responsible! Now it's time to rub our stomachs!" Well, it didn't go exactly like that, but we did end up randomly feeling up our bellies, which makes it a good day in my book.

-Sam the Mastermind

**;D yay! Chapter six is coming up! **

**Oh yeah... reviews would be nice.**

**Just saying.**


	6. Sam the Tattletale

**Dinosaurs are fat. **

**YAY someone actually reviewed! Thank you! There's going to be a big author's note at the end so read it!**

**I don't own iCarly… **

**(iNevel)**

October, 2007

Tasha. I hate her. So much. I can't even write full sentences because I'm clouded by so much hate. "Uh, if your web shows worth checking out, I would have read about it on . I guess your web shows lame." (That quote was supposed to be in a really nasty, snobby, girly voice.) That's what she said to us! I need to do some bad things to that chick… ha ha… that sounded dirty. The only good part of my day was when I got to push that nub in a shopping cart and tried to ram it in to Tasha.

Carly said she was going to ask Nevel to watch our webcast and write a review. Carly can get any guy to do what she wants so I'm guessing we will be on Nevelocity by next week.

….

Tonight's iCarly went amazing- as usual. We made a family of toes suffer through an earthquake and watched a peanut butter covered kid crump, but it got better when I ordered Chinese food. I was starving! Carly decided to interview Chuck (the delivery man) but it turns out he was almost as boring as Fredbag. He was a good dancer though.

After the show, I went downstairs for something to drink and Carly turns all annoying and naggy. She was all like "It was our most important web show ever and you bring on a delivery guy that was born without a personality." The show was still awesome though. Hop off my chizz. Good thing Frednub interrupted us, because I would have said some things to Carly I would have regretted. On the bright side… we got an e-mail from… wait for it… NEVEL PAPERMAN (the dude who runs ). Guess what he said? He said he loved the web show and he wants to interview Carly. I told you the web show was awesome! Maybe if you would just listen…(and now we have yet another reason why Carly should never read this journal.) He wants to interview Carly, which is cool I guess, but like… I'm a part of the show too. You know? Whatevs.

Oh yeah… Chuck turned out to be a creep and played in Carly's toilet water for the rest of the night. Good thing momma was there to gently escort him out minus the gently part.

…..

So Carly went to Nevel's interview today and I decided I was going to go eat her food and watch her TV. In the middle of me relaxing she calls to tell me some weird news. Get this, Nevel's not an old dude! He's a creepy eleven year old kid. Then she rudely hung up on me, but no worries I'm not mad, I do it all the time to her.

Carly gets home and she tells me and Fredward all about how Nevel kissed Carly. Freddie then decides to get all angry, which is just really annoying so I made fun of him and turned my attention back o Carly. Anyway, because Carly got mad at him for kissing her, he's going to write a bad review about us on Nevelocity which kind of sucks.

Then Spencer started freaking out because it was warm in the house. Oops. When everybody was gone I turned up the heat. How was I supposed to know there was a creepy butter sculpture chillin in the kitchen! No worries though, momma blamed it on Freddork. And as if this day couldn't get any weirder, Crazy (Freddie's mom) storms in and starts talking about fruit problems and abnormal amounts of butter.

…..

Carly Shay- an unappealing thirteen year old girl. Gosh Nevel makes me laugh. But I also want to punch him. He wrote a bad review about iCarly on . Carly made a plan to get Nevel to admit he lied: when he gets to the studio, we have Germy Jeremy hold him until he admits he lied in his review. Good plan right? Wrong. Carl's should leave all the planning up to momma if she wants something done.

…

Yay! We got him to tell the truth by doing the most basic thing ever. We told him mom on him. Ha! You should have seen his face when his mom yelled at him. Life is good.

-Sam the Tattletale

**Okay so listen up. This fic is just like Sam's POV throughout each episode. In "iSpeed Date" we learn that Sam has feeling for the nub. So when this fic goes through episodes like iSaved Your Life, iKiss, iSpeed Date, and iThink They Kissed, I'm going to have to express her feelings for Freddie. It's not necessarily going to be a Seddie story because, again it's going along with the episodes, and so if Seddie hasn't happened in iCarly, then it can't happen in this fic. I am a seddie shipper myself, but I respect Creddie people and I'm not going to stop making this fic even if I have to write about Creddie. **

**Anyway… the whole point of this was to tell you that it's not really a shipping story until later episodes go by and we learn what is actually going to happen. **

**I just read what I wrote and I really confused myself. Just message me or review if you have any questions.**


	7. Sam the Ghost Catcher

**I don't own iCarly and I never will. **

**(iScream on Halloween)**

October, 2007

Tonight is Halloween! We're doing a special iCarly webcast about all things scary and Halloween-ish. I wanted to go trick-or-treating for free candy, but Carly was all like "No! iCarly! I'll buy you candy!" There's just one problem- I don't have a costume. Well, not anymore anyway. You see, I asked my mother to get me a ninja costume and she did. But the next day when I came home from school she was wearing it. How she fit into it, we may never know.

Carly told me that she was being some type of bug or something. I can't wait to see what Freddork is wearing. Probably a fairy costume or a Barbie princess.

….

Oh my god. Tonight was hilarious. Let me start from the beginning. Okay so I walk in to Bushwell Plaza to find Freddie there dressed as… a witch! From the pointy hat and broom to the dress and fake warts. Man, it was just to easy to insult him, so I didn't.

While were going up to Carly's apartment she tells me about this apartment that's haunted and how Lewbert says it's been vacant for like fifteen years. Sounds awesome, right! So I say something about wanting to sneak in and Carly is all like "That's perfect. iCarly from haunted place! Yay for me!" But Fredwitch (ha ha, get it?) is all scared and is like "No. I'm not afraid I'm concerned for Carly's safety." Shocker.

Momma walks into the Shay residence to find a giant pumpkin that's as tall as Spencer. I wanted to eat it and I would've, but I was never left alone in the kitchen for enough time. Don't judge me! My mom makes me dinner like twice a year. She's always to busy stealing my Halloween costumes. Anyway, Spencer starts carving it with a chainsaw and pumpkin guts are flying everywhere, which is kind of cool because I can make that my costume. I can be like a person a pumpkin threw up on or something.

iCarly time rolls around so we begin our journey down to apartment 13-B. Witch boy is going on about how it's a bad idea and Carly tries to open the door, but it's locked. So while Carly's describing this elaborate plan to steal the keys from Lewbert's office, momma picks the lock in ten seconds and throws witchy-poo in the door. Man, let me tell you, that apartment was nasty and old looking. It was worse than my mom's room, and that's saying something.

The tech-talking-witch-boy sets up everything and we start the Halloween special of iCarly, but like a minute in, the lights go out. Then we all feel stuff crawling across our feet and that makes Freddie and Carly scream like little girls, not me though. Momma screams like a man. (In a good way.)

Then, as if we're in a cheesy scary movie, it starts thundering and lightning out. Next thing you know there's this creepy old voice that's all like "Go away. Get out!" Even I can admit that by now, even I'm scared. So we try to leave the place but the doors stuck. What a coincidence. I did calm down a little by slamming Freddie in to the door repeatedly hoping his nerdy powers would make the door open. It didn't, because the nub ended up pulling the doorknob off. For someone so smart, how can you be so stupid?

All of a sudden glass things start falling off of the shelves and breaking and Fredward yells "Run to the closet, because I'm a scared little girl that wants to hide!" Well, maybe those weren't his exact words, but still. That's when I remember I have a light on my keychain. I turn it on and the first thing we see is a… severed clown head! (If it wasn't so creepy, I would have taken it and put it in Gibby's locker.) We all run out of the closet and into the kitchen where I put my hands in blood. When I notice I have blood covering my hands, I do what any normal teenager would do- wipe it on Frednub.

Then out of nowhere random people walk in and are all like "What are you doing in my house?" Ha ha oops. Turns out that there's a reasonable explanation for each of the crazy events that happened.

The lights going out- The switch we used to turn on the lights shorts out sometimes.

The old lady not hearing us scream- Grandma is deaf.

The yelling of "Get out!"- There was a spider in Grammys room.

The glass and stuff on our feet- Abigail the cat. (A possible girlfriend for Frothy? Yes!)

Severed clown head- A phone. How creepy can you get?

Blood- Red hair dye that was spilt all over the counter.

Conclusion- The apartment is not haunted.

-Sam the Ghost Catcher

**Yay! All done with chapter seven **

**Review? Please?**


	8. Sam the Super Spy

**iCarly- Something I will never own. And you know what? I'm fine with that. I would probably ruin the show.**

**Ahh! It's a new month! The same month as my birthday! (November 10****th****) Just saying. **

**(iSpy a Mean Teacher)**

November, 2007

You know what's amazing? The fact that I was able to sleep in school today in like all my classes and I didn't even get caught once. You know why that is? It's cause momma is amazingly awesome. In the hallway Frednub comes up to us with a green blanket, which I figured was something his mom made him take to school in case he got cold, but I was wrong. It's a green screen that we can use for iCarly. I can't wait to try that bad boy out! I already know what I want it to look like first. It's going to look like I'm stepping on Fredwards face! Cool right? Now all I have to do is beat him until he agrees to do all the tech stuff to make my dream possible.

Tureen came up to us today and was all like "Look at my phone! History teacher at concert!" Man, her voice annoys me. Even writing what she said gives me a headache. Anyway, it turns out that even though I slept through school, I learned something new today. I always thought that when school was done, all the teachers were locked up in the teaches lounge. There not! They have lives, which is really weird to think about.

As much as I hate Mrs. Briggs and her bull horn, I have to say I'm thankful that she used it today. She gave us the idea to follow her outside of school to see what she does when she's not a teacher! (She probably lives in a castle and has little children in her dungeons that she eats.)

…..

Since we're going to be spying on Mrs. Briggs we need a sneaky way to film her without her noticing. Freddie got a camera that looks like a pie. It's so fake, it makes my Aunt Maggie's boobs look real. If it wasn't in the shape of a piece of pie, I would have smashed it into tiny pieces. Fredward decides he's going to prove it looks real so he goes downstairs to spy on Spencer, and obviously they knew it was fake.

While he was downstairs, me and Carl's discussed what we could do to Mrs. Briggs while spying on her to make it more interesting. Carly was all like "Oh! I know! We could order her pizza!" Man, it is a good thing I am part of this show to stop her from doing lame stuff. My idea was so much better! I said that we should smash all her car windows, but that just earned me a lecture on why it's rude to break windows.

…..

Carly and Freddie are at Mrs. Briggs house, so I decide to help Spencer out and model for his sculpture. I sat there for like three hours, only to realize he sculpted a fish. That's when I get a call from Carly telling me her and Fredbag are stuck in Mrs. Briggs apartment. I called Briggs to give Carly a distraction to get out , but I accidently screwed up and she caught us. Oops. Looking back, I think I probably shouldn't have yelled "Don't look on your patio.

I was expecting her to call the cops or something, but she did something worse. Way worse. She told us that she would have us expelled if we didn't allow her to perform a bagpipe song on our web show. I would have been expelled, but nope. Carly is all goody two shoes and lets her on the next webcast. Great! (That was sarcastic.)

…..

iCarly went great! Well, at first it sucked eggs and we lost tons of viewers, but later it went amazing. Freddie put the green screen up and had some pretty funny stuff going on behind her while she played her bagpipes like fat dudes eating and hamsters. Man, if Fredward wasn't such a nub, I swear I could kiss him.(EW!) Anyway, we got all our viewers back and didn't get expelled. Yay! Well, I wouldn't have minded being expelled, but whatevs, life isn't always fair.

-Sam the Super Spy

**Gosh. It's on to chapter nine next!**

**Sooo….. review? ;)**


	9. Sam the Friend

**Okay, so I haven't updated this is like… forever. School has been keeping me busy so I never have any free time :p**

**But on the bright side iStart a Fan War comes out on November 19****th****! YAY! That's nine days after my birthday :]**

**On to the story.. Disclaimer : I don't own iCarly silly. I already told you like ten times.**

**(iWill Date Freddie)**

November, 2007

I seriously think this world has gone insane. I never realized how messed up people of the world really are until tonight's iCarly. Well, we were playing guitar for the web show and Carly goes "Me and Sam can't play the guitar". I don't know about you guys… but momma is most definitely a rock star. Or at least she will be once she learns how to actually play… well I guess Carly was kind of right. Then we introduce a new segment called the Blab Cam, which is where we talk to random viewers. Freddie being the genius that he is, picks a kid from Poland. I mean… seriously! How dumb can you get? Obviously the kid is going to speak Polandese of Polandish or… I don't know the Polish language because I'm not a nerd like some people.

After the Polish kid, Freddork picked someone from our own country named Valerie. She lives in Seattle and actyally goes to our school, but I guess she's like a grade higher than us or whatever. This is where the freaky stuff starts happening. First off, she asks to see Freddie. Why would anyone want to see Frednub? She's all like "I think Freddie's insanely cute!" Excuse me while I go barf. Carly is all like "YOU GUYS SHOULD DATE BLAH BLAH BLAH!" Something must be seriously wrong with that chick if she wants to date Freddie and thinks he's cute. He isn't cute! If he was, I would call him Fredhot or Fredcute, but I don't because he is not hot! I swear to sausage that this girl should be locked up in a mental institution.

…

Ew! I don't know why, but I can't stop thinking about how messed up this chick has gotta be. I gave Freddie some good advice on what to do on the date: Kiss her and step back before she pukes. Then out of nowhere Fredwards mother rushes in and is all like "I'm so proud! Your first date, and with a girl!" HA! Makes you wonder what she thought his first date would be with. Well, I guess that old saying 'Mother knows best' is true. She obviously can see that Freddie is not attracted to girls.

Anyway, Carly was all like "How did you know?" and Momma Benson was all "I always watch iCarly." Turns out that the Queen of Nubs has posture issues. They even have a rule about it! It goes… get ready to laugh… You won't get respect if your backs not erect. Oh my gosh! After hearing that I spit out my watermelon all over Fredbag which makes everything funnier! I don't know how, but the conversation then turned to why Freddie needs to go on the date and Crazy starts yelling at Carly because she doesn't love Freddie and it was just the greatest thing ever.

Sadly, my amusement didn't last because she started going on about how she has the whole date planned out which includes fat free food and Freddie's baby pictures. (Wow. That was a lot of words starting with the letter 'F'.) Oh and get this, apparently Freddie had 'the cutest little bottom' when he was a baby. I offered a thousand bucks for a picture, but she ignored me. Now that I think about it that was a really weird thing to do. Whatever, momma can do anything and still look good.

…

My night was… interesting, but that's not a surprise. Everyday in the life of Sam Puckett is amazing and you should know this by now. I went over Carly's because… well, I don't have a reason, I just go over there whenever I feel like it. We watched some TV, ate some food and talked a little about the next iCarly, which was really boring. Later in the night was when everything got interesting. Spencer started making spaghetti tacos and Carly and I (Ew. That sounds proper.) set up a table for Valerie. In runs Freddie being chased by a physco that is none other that his own mother yelling about fluffing his hair. If you ask me, his air is fluffed enough, it adds like three inches to the kid's height. She leaves, only to burst through the door again and continue her attack of the blow driers. No worries though, Freddork shut her out only to move onto the nest problem: his outfit. He looked like… like… wow. He was too nubby for words.

Me and Carls ran upstairs to get his backup clothes. She was all like "I'm glad he's going to finally move on from me. I feel bad letting him down all the time." No offense, but she sounded really conceited. I love ya kid but… get over yourself. (Reason Number four thousand why Carly should never read this journal.) We got downstairs just as Valerie knocked on the door. Momma got stuck with the job of stalling her. I opened the door, ready to make conversation and stall, but I looked at her and got afraid. I didn't want to catch the disease that makes nubs suddenly hot, so I slammed the door in her face. Carly got kind of mad but she was distracted by making Fredward look less dorky, which is a great challenge that I don't think could ever be achieved. She sort of looked like a monkey picking bugs out of his hair when she was trying to fix his hair, which was oddly amusing. But then they fought and I got dragged upstairs by Carly to the studio.

Carly was going on about something that I wasn't really paying attention. I had a good reason not to though, I was setting up the TV so we could spy on Freddie and his date. That was when Carly gave a lecture on why it was rude to spy on Fredloser's first date. I just ignored her and sat down and that turned out to be a good idea because Carly gave up and sat down too.

So there I was, chilling on bean bags, eating various berries, and listening to Freddie tell the stupidest jokes ever created while Valerie just giggled and batted her eyelashes. If I actually went to the doctors, I would bring Valerie along and have her brain checked out. The conversation mostly centered on the work he does for iCarly which really doesn't surprise me. It's only normal to talk about the coolest thing about yourself which for Freddie is working with me on iCarly.

…

I can't stand being around Freddie anymore. Before it was like stabbing myself in the eye but now it's like having my head ripped off by a hungry dragon while he plays Scottish music and talks about the joys of Galaxy Wars. All he ever talks about now is Valerie!

Were in school and I'm talking about Germy Jeremy's never ending cold when I look over and notice that there isn't a dork by my side. I look over only to find Fredward talking to… guess! If you guessed the obvious answer of Valerie, you would be right. Shocker. Then they kissed which literally made me throw up everything I have ever eaten in my life… well maybe that didn't happened, but still it was really gross. It was worse than my mom in her bikinis.

…

OH MY GOD! That nub thinks he can quit iCarly! I got this text from Carly saying it was an emergency only to go there and find out that he quit! I swear I am going to feed him to my rabid cat. That reminds me, I have to feed him. But back to the point, so we went over there to slap some sense into that boy, but he decides to lock the door. He seems to forget who he's dealing with because momma picked the lock and kicked him into the hallway.

Then he's like "I don't like the way Sam treats me!" Are you serious? What did I ever do to you, nub? It's not my fault he is such a dork, I feel like I have to constantly torture him! Then we found out that the real reason he's quitting is because of that skunk bag, Valerie. She's doing a web show on the same night as iCarly and she stole Freddie for her tech producer. The kids acting like he has to do it because she's his girlfriend, but me and Carly are his friends… well at least Carly is. Why he doesn't dump her is beyond me.

If it isn't bad enough that I have to deal with Frednub, Carly turns all nice and is like "He should help his girlfriend!" Am I the only one that realizes we need him for the show? Like seriously, it's absolutely messed up.

…

Turns out that iCarly is better without Freddie! Now that we have Jeremy as our geek, everybody in the world watches and we are really famous!

That was a good joke. It's impossible to do a web show when the camera is sneezing every five seconds. iCarly absolutely sucked. The only good part about the show was having a dog dressed up like a pig! That made me really hungry.

…

So today at school Valerie comes up to me and is all like "You don't need iCarly." She starts going on and on about how I should do her show with her instead of Carly. She made a few good points like how the show is named after Carly, but whatever. I am still Carly's best friend and I would never do that to her. Good thing momma knows how to act. Valerie totally bought that I agreed with her.

So I get to Carly's and I tell her everything. I know that this is a bad moment, but Yay! I finally understand everything. Valerie didn't really like Fredward! She was just using him and that makes me mad! Only momma gets to rag on Freddie. That's like… my thing and no one else's!

The nub is really unbelievably stupid. No joke. Me and Carly were telling him about Valerie and he was saying that he enjoyed being used! If Spencer didn't come out to the hallway, I would've smacked that boy silly. That's when he has the nerve to tell me that I'm lying and Carly is all like "Sam may be obnoxious and irresponsible, but she doesn't lie!" Tomorrow, Fredbag is planning on asking Valerie straight out if she's using him. She'd have to be an idiot to tell him.

…

My night started off absolutely horribly. Like Freddie's face horrible. Germy sneezed his right nose plug onto my face. I would've torn him apart if we didn't need him and Carly didn't hold me back. He ended up getting the message anyway and leaving. Yay! Oh no what will happen to iCarly, you ask? Well, then, like it was planned out, the elevator dings and Fredwitch walks out. He's all depressed and tells us were right and that he broke up with her! Yay again! So he walks over to the computer and starts pressing buttons and you'd think everything was back to normal, right? Well think again, loser. Freddie picks then to inform us that he isn't coming back to iCarly.

To make things worse, Freddie tells us that the reason he isn't coming back is because I don't treat him like he's important to the show. This kid really aggravates me. I would rather drink out of a toilet than tell Benson that he's important. That's like Santa giving a thumbs up to his sled when the sled just is pulled around and Santa does the real work.

I ended up telling him that he was important and we sort of hugged. At the moment it seemed like the right thing to do, but then I realized who I was hugging, so I gave him a wedgie. Needless to say (That sounded smart. Ha.) iCarly rocked and Freddie is back as our dork!

Then, to make my night, we watched Valerie's show. The TV fell on her head! Oh my gosh! That was the best thing that happened all week.

-Sam the Friend

**This is like the longest chapter yet! **

**Kay so….. review? ;)**


	10. Sam the Record Breaker

**Hi people! It's chapter ten now! Yay! **

**Oh! I have a question! So I was reading some stories today on the site and I was looking at some of the reviews and people are always like… This is out of character. But this is fan fiction which means it's fictional stories by fans. Obviously, none of these stories are actually being used for a script on the actual show. So like… if it's out of character does it really matter?**

**I'm not really sure, because thankfully, I don't have to deal with those reviewers! The few reviewers that I have had so far have been really great, so thanks!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own iCarly… duh.**

**(iWant a World Record)**

November, 2007

Have you ever had that feeling that your life isn't complete? Or that there's a hole in your chest? I didn't realize I felt like that until I discovered the Jonas Book of World Records. I found it and suddenly… my life was whole and happy. The book is full of mutants and freaks which are all my favorite things in the world other than food. I can't put the book down and you know a book is good when Samantha (I HATE MY NAME) Puckett actually reads it. Oh, and I am in love. With who you ask? The world's fattest priest, that's who! He's like eight hundred pounds, so obviously he shares my passion for good and fattening food. That book has records in like… everything you can think of.

I'm sitting on the stairs when Carlotta Shay and the nubby wonder walk up to me. At first when I told Freddie-O about the technology records he tried to play it cool, but momma could see through his act and guess what? I was right, after like only five seconds he rudely snatched the book from me. He was all excited about stupid stuff like the most downloaded image ever. Seriously Freddie, you need to get out more. But I guess it's true that good stuff comes out of bad chizz, because while Fredward was being a dork, he discovered the record for the world's longest continuing webcast. The record is at twenty four hours and eight minutes, which in my opinion is nothing.

Staying up for two days in a row is nothing when you have a mom that insists on having all the neighborhood hobos over for a weekend dance party, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, were totally going to beat the record so I, Sam Puckett can have my face in the same book as the world's fattest priest.

…

Guess what? Carly called the people and talked to them about having some lady come out and make sure we beat the record or something which is cool, I just wish she would have listened to me and asked about the fat priest.

Then Freddork brought up a pretty good point… what are we supposed to do in front of the camera for a day straight. I know that just me standing in front of the camera will keep them entertained, but we have to find lots of stuff to do. Freddie has it in his head that a segment called 'Tech Time With Freddie" is the greatest thing since… since… I don't know, something techy.

I discovered something amazing today. When you insult Fredward he gets mad, but when you insult him using technology words he gets so angry, that I wouldn't be surprised if he turned into the Hulk. All I said was "I'd like to back up over your personal data with a truck." You should of seen his face! Ha! This kid is so fun to mess with. That's when Spencer runs out of his room with tons of tubs filled with random chizz. Apparently he was looking for a drill, so he dumped a tub out on the floor and we all searched through a pile of random junk. I found his drill, because I'm just that awesome, and now Spencer is going to build a huge sculpture with all this random stuff. I'm looking forward to seeing what this crazy man is going to create.

Anyway, I gotta go . I have to be at Carly's in an hour for the day long webcast and I want to stop and get bacon from that dude selling it on that corner. Wish me luck!

Wait… did I just ask a journal for luck? I think I might be going crazy…

…

I'm back! Let me start from the beginning. So, after I left I got the bacon and took the bus to Carly's apartment. I walked in and for a surprise present, I got a twenty minute speech from Carly and Frednub on why it's bad to buy bacon from a guy's suitcase. Then, we finally started the webcast! Yay!

We started off the show by introducing some lady who's from the Jonas Book of World Records company or something. I forgot her name (It's not my fault! She was really boring. All she did was read rules and momma hates rules.) But she did do one thing that I absolutely love her for. She got me a signed picture of the world's fattest priest! He wrote "Sam! I love you! Let's get married and eat for the rest of our lives!" Well… not really those words. They were more like "To Sam, Food, Love, and FOOD!" I swear , I could've died right there on the spot.

We had a new segment called "Street Fishing" that went really well. Carly pulled up a baby whose head was filled with confetti which was really exciting! By that point, we were like three hours in, so we checked in with Spencer to see how his sculpture was doing, which wasn't too great. At some point that lady left, I wasn't really paying attention.

Then ten hours in, our webcast went down hill. Carly, being nice and all that stuff, let Freddwardo do "Tech Time with Freddie". Let me tell you that was super boring, but no worries because the alarm went off for random dancing. Then, to make things better he ended up dropping the high tech light bulb he had, which was great because he couldn't finish his segment, but it really smelt bad. Like worse than Freddie bad. But I was distracted by the smell, because we put on a ridiculous video of this kid tickling himself.

Remember that bacon I bought from the street corner? Well since I couldn't eat it, we were going to use it for our next segment 'Fun with Bacon', but fire dudes burst in and kicked us out. The loser's light bulb was making a smell which apparently isn't good. Seriously, this is why Fredward should never be allowed in front of the camera! If people listened to me more often, the world would be a much cooler place.

Of course, in the middle of our fight, random dancing goes off and everybody starts dancing. The music stops and the dude is all like "ROAR. LOBBY NOW!". No worries though! We asked that lady if we could stop it for a little bit, but she said no, so we ended up bringing Freddorks whole tech cart down the stairs. We used three dozen extension cords to go all the way down to the lobby, only for the old dude to tell us we could come back up again. Stupid nub faced idiot losers.

I was seriously about to fall asleep while we decided to do makeovers, but we went live to Spencer and I had to wake him up. All I did was send an air horn down the elevator and he was awake and screaming... some people are really jumpy. That was a good one, but then random dancing went off and we collapsed. All I wanted to do was sleep, but we decided to stick our heads in tubs of ice water. Man! That really wakes a person up! Then Granddad Shay from the nasty town of Yakima came on and did a headstand, which was weird so I sent him off in an elevator!

Five minutes away from the world record, Spencer's sculpture is done so he plugs it in and turns it on and… the power goes out! Like are you serious! If you didn't already know, our web show went down and we didn't get the world record thanks to Spencer's stupid art sculpture. My face isn't going to be in the same book as the fat priest. I want to really die like right now. So much for having the longest webcast ever.

…

After sleeping for like… a day straight, I was at Carly's (as usual) and that rule lady walks in. Turns out that Spencer broke a record for having the most moving parts on a sculpture. Cool right? Well, it gets even cooler! Spencer made us add on another random piece so we all got to be in the photo! YAY FOR ME HAVING MY FACE IN THE SAME BOOK AS THE FAT PRIEST! This day turned out pretty cool.

Then… the world's fattest priest came to see me! I can't even explain how amazing that was. Well… it would have been amazing, if he hadn't fallen through the floor on the way to the apartment. It's all good though, because after we helped him out, we went for smoothies! I love him so much!

-Sam the Record Breaker

**Yay! I'm done with another chapter **

**You should review… just saying.**

**Oh and check out this cute story- Storytime with Spencer!**


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